Law is No Entertaining Matter

Posted under Legal on December 5th, 2017 by

Melbourne property lawyersI will admit: watching the start of the latest episode of Jack of All Trades gave me a certain tightness in my throat at first. I’d already seen the ‘next time!’ segment at the end of the last episode, they promised something law-related, and that just didn’t sit well with me. Law is complex, and it’s not like you can stick an amateur in a real courtroom situation and call it good television. Too much is at stake, even with professionals at hand.

So I was pretty relieved when Lady Salt said that the task she set WASN’T that. The entire thing was a mock presentation, with the candidates taking on the role of a commercial law firm. So at least in Melbourne, commercial law firms are not being besmirched. They even had a bit of a segment where the actual law firms were shown doing their thing and being professionals, mostly to show the total contrast as these TV doofs completely mess everything up with their lack of expertise.

To be fair, the task they were given was pretty tough, even for someone with a thorough understanding of property law. A lot of paperwork, a lot of intentional errors, and some really complex documents for the sub-team to sort through. A single error in real life and you can cause some serious legal ramifications.

Of course, as dry as this all sounds, they made it entertaining for the show. The mock clients were a mixed bunch; one team were dealing with a bunch of sneaky money-grubbers, and the others had a hair-trigger temper. Basically everyone was acting, but I think those might have been real tears when Allison mixed up her building permits and got yelled at for six minutes straight.

But hey, that’s the high-pressure world of being a property lawyer. Melbourne is a hip, fast-paced city, and you have to know your stuff. I’m just glad these people aren’t dealing with property in real life.

-Drey

What Glaziers Would Work in Space?

Posted under window repairs on November 27th, 2017 by

residential glazierSo it looks like the new ‘Space Conflicts’ movie is going to be fine. You know, fine like all the others, that is. ‘The Push Wakes Up’ just tried to be too out there and original, so I’m guessing ‘The Penultimate Rabbi’ is going to stick closer to the original formula, making it less bland and boring.

I don’t know. Personally, I think the last good one they made was the Space Conflicts Holiday Special, the one with the rave reviews and the heartwarming song at the end about Strife Day. In fact, it was so famous that Space Conflicts fans to this day still greet each other with cheerful cries of “Happy Strife Day!” It’s a timeless classic.

Yeah, so anyway, windows. Specifically, residential glazing. You may wonder how that’s relevant to Space Conflicts, and I’ll tell you, because obviously windows are really important in space. Unlike real spaceships, ships in sci-fi are just covered in windows, everywhere, so that people can look out into the blackness of space I guess. Why do they need so many windows? And more importantly, what kind of glazier makes windows that are applicable for shops involved in space battles? You’d think the window quantity would be kept to a minimum, and you’d be terribly wrong, because there are just windows all over those things. ALL over them.

So when humanity starts travelling to the stars we’d better have some darn good glaziers, because space is…space. It’s a very hostile environment. Can’t just take a piece of glass you use for glass balustrading and stick it wherever you please, no sir. That glass has to be custom-made, extremely thick, weirdly resistant to all kinds of temperatures and probably some kind of contingency needs to be available when it breaks. Shatter proof glass I think? 

It does make sci-fi ships look pretty, I guess it’s fine in my books.

-Kirk

All Conferences, All the Time

Posted under Accommodation on September 17th, 2017 by

conference venues VictoriaIs there a word for when you’re addicted to conferences? I guess not, since there’s not really a word for addictions to EVERYTHING. I mean, there are no words for people addicted to milk, or cupcakes.

But I really am addicted to attending conferences. I go to at least one a month, sometimes more if I can swing it. I love meeting new people, but also, I love not having to see those new people afterwards. It’s the perfect balance of personal and impersonal. I reject all friend requests on Visage-Tome. It’s my personal policy not to get attached to any other conference attendees.

As a result, I have a comprehensive map of all the conference venues in Victoria, and even across the rest of Australia. My expertise in the matter is so good, I could probably start charging as a consultant. I can tell you which places have drafts, which ones come with great catering (Lorne), the ones that have comfy seats in their lecture halls and those that are close to amenities for those late-night sugar cravings we tend to get while on those things.

Of course, I’m a veteran now. I always bring a secret supply of sugar; generally keeps me going. Oh, and the beds/ The beds are VERY important in a conference venue, I can tell you that. As good as I’ve gotten at sleeping in different places, sometimes my skills are put to the absolute test with the terrible, stone-consistency mattresses they make us sleep on. Fortunately, those ones are in the minority. I actually find that the function venues in Victoria are quite a bit better than those you find elsewhere. I’m about to head out to a conference in Brisbane that LOOKS lovely. I’ll have to update my rankings once I get back. Except I’m going straight to that one in Perth, and then one an hour away from here…and it’s still not enough.

-Graham

There’s Life in Those Antennas Still

Posted under Technology on September 4th, 2017 by

TV antenna repair MelbourneThey need to keep millennials from writing opinion pieces, because most of it is tripe. Just because people are young doesn’t instantly make them wise sages, but this generation in particular seems to think that they know better than everyone.

‘The End of Politics: Why A Hereditary Monarchy is the Best Thing for Australia.’ They actually published it, and people wrote in the week after to praise the writer’s profound insight. What insight?

And this week it’s even worse. ‘Say Goodbye to the TV Generation: Why Melbourne’s TV Antennas Are Soon Going to be Viewed in Museums’. It was written by that Victoria Pierce, too. Can’t even stand the look of her face. Of course, she’s arguing that streaming has basically killed normal television, and that we’re now living in a glorious neo-era of digital, on-demand television. And of course, she seemed to think that since this was a new thing, that automatically made it wonderful and amazing.

Give me a break! The age of TV antennas and regular TV is far from over, even if there are more options now. With streaming, when are you going to have the big event? What’s going to happen when people want something to do on a Friday night and they want it to be more than just a private bit of screening? Television brings us together in a way that streaming simply cannot. Some people LIKE looking up things in a TV guide and being there for the big premier. In fact, if everyone was there for the big premier, then spoilers wouldn’t be an issue.

I should write into the newspaper and stick up for antennas in Melbourne. Or better, I’ll write an opposing piece. People LOVE newspaper drama. It’s like internet drama, except it’s in print and you can’t delete it. So it’s better in every way. Not to mention that it can be framed and hung on the wall, not that I’d do that or anything. 

-Ophelia

Stylish, Not ‘Chic’

Posted under Home on August 7th, 2017 by

designer lightingIs it just me, or is ‘chic’ now one of the most overused concepts in home design? Like, EVER? Not that I’m a professional home designer or anything, but I keep up with the whole thing and I read Home Beautiful every single week the day it comes out, so I at least know the trends. And I see the same thing every time: chic. Chic furniture, chic curtains. Every single reviewer of anything spouts the word ad nauseum, like it’s a magic password that’ll make people understand your point of view.

I do think the home design scene is getting a bit stale. Maybe there’s just too much chrome. I mean, at least when it comes to that new exhibition on Melbourne designer lighting trends, not everything is chrome. Seriously, you walk into a lot of lighting shops nowadays and all the high-end stuff is shiny and reflective, and thus just looks the same as everyone else’s. The whole reason I read home design mags is because I want my home to look different. I want visitors to walk into my home and be impressed by the designer lighting, not just pass over it with their eyes like it’s stock-standard.

At least there are actually people making some different stuff, like the lighting people. And yesterday in the ‘pre-loved’ section of Home Beautiful there was a sofa with these swirling patterns that looked like they’d be right at home in a 1970’s smoking lounge. Maybe retro really is the key to breaking the power of ‘chic’. Maybe no one ever comes up with anything new; they just recycle old stuff, and the retro label is what we use to make it seem cool.

Okay, now I’m wondering about the ‘retro’ standing lamp I just put in the study. Maybe once upon a time, it was chic piece of residential LED lighting, and now…things have come full circle. Or maybe I was just born too late?

-Vera

I Need Boat Experts, Fast

Posted under Boating on July 18th, 2017 by

boat trailer repairsI’ve just got no ideas.

The gala is tomorrow, everyone who’s anyone in the shipwright industry will be coming down to Melbourne, to hear talks from some of the best specialists around. That’s what it said on the invitations, anyway…except I was supposed to be the one organising the speakers, and they’ve all been told the wrong day. Uh…whoops?

I’m so going to lose my job for this. It wouldn’t be so bad if the gala wasn’t on a Thursday night, whereas I told everyone it was Saturday. Apparently Thursday plans are just IMPOSSIBLE to cancel, more so than any other day of the week. So what am I going to do now? Give the speeches myself? I might know Melbourne’s outboard motor repair well enough just from hanging around the experts, but not enough to host AND present all by myself. I think my only option is to call in a  few favours, get some folks I know to give the talks. Experts, but…not the respected kind. There are some HUGE names in the Australian shipwright scene going to be at this thing, and they’re expecting some great innovation in the field of anchor winches and outboard motor repair. So I just have to find a few buddies of mine who work at the docks, who also happen to be free…and maybe they’ll appreciate the ordinary, everyday wisdom?

I need to get SOMEONE with a bit of industry knowledge up there to speak, or my job is going down the drain. I just need one from each category: anchor winches, outboard motor repair and boat trailer repairs. Melbourne has a thriving industry in all of them; surely there are a few who’d like to share their knowledge at a fancy gala, and get a free feed at the same time. Maybe rub shoulders with some industry giants?

Why did I even agree to organise this in the first place?

-Travis

My Private Salon Visits

Posted under Hair on June 7th, 2017 by

hair dresserSomeone asked me at a party recently why I got into the corporate world at such a young age. I truthfully responded that there were a lot of reasons, such as the great earning prospects, getting experience early, setting up a career, all of that stuff. On top of that, I just like my job, even though it can get tough. I like going to work in a suit, working in an air-conditioned office, and I do love me some crunching numbers. I might only be 24, but I feel like I’m doing something with my life.

There was one thing I didn’t mention, though, because it’s straight up embarrassing. I need the money…for daily salon sessions. I found myself the best Melbourne hairdresser, and…well, I KNOW. Why would anyone need that, right?? You have no idea. I’ve always hated the look of myself with really short hair (like, buzz-cut style), and all the young, hip professional business-people have their $80 haircuts to make them look amazing on the train and in the office and making deals and so forth. My hair? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. Frizzy, fuzzy, fluffy, stubborn and thick. SO THICK. About one day a month I can make it look good, but when you’re working in the business world, that’s not good enough. If I don’t go into work looking like I’ve just had my hair styled by a Hollywood expert, I’ll be shunned.

And so that’s what I’ve been doing. I have a deal on the DL with a bunch of salons, they give me a similar look every day before I go into work and viola. I make sure it doesn’t look too good, because I still want people to think I did it in the mirror that morning with a comb and twenty seconds. But still, it does look good. Good enough.

No idea what would happen if my secret was ever released, and the way it is right now, I have to get up 45 minutes early every morning just to get to the salons and have my hair done. I swear I’m not that vain; my hair is just a wild stallion, and I have no choice. On the plus side, if you need a stylish Melbourne hair salon that can tame a wild mane with their incredible products and techniques, I can hook you up. Quick work, too.

-Riley

Tree spoils the family getaway

Posted under tree lopping on April 4th, 2017 by

stump removal MelbourneIt was meant to be the family weekend of a lifetime. Finally, everyone was going to be together, not in a rushed fashion, but for three days. Together enjoying the fresh air and countryside, with not a worry in the world except for how hot the chicken is! Bliss. My family has all become incredibly distracted over the last few years, distant. The only time we ever see each together is at a rushed dinner that was thrown together last minute, or at some large event where we exchange words at the buffet. I had the idea a few months back to plan a country getaway for all of us to reconnect.

After months of rigorous planning I finally had everything sorted; everyone was coming, all the cottages were booked. I had even planned entertainment for the kids. At 9 am the morning before we are all supposed to depart I get a call from my eldest brother. His son, Joe, wasn’t feeling too well and they weren’t sure they could come. I pretty much scream at him that unless Joe needs to be hospitalised they were coming. I had packed medical supplies and there were comfy beds for him to sleep on. My brother relented and agreed to come. I thought all was going to plan until I got a call from my Mum.

She has an arborist coming because they needed urgent tree attention and she couldn’t possibly arrange to have her stump removal in Melbourne done at any other time. I told her that it was unacceptable. I had spent too much time and money on this trip to have her blow it off because of a hazardous stump in her garden. I hadn’t had a conclusive answer from her. So the next morning I woke up raring to go and got a call from a tree felling company based in Melbourne who wanted to know when it would be best to remove my mother’s tree stump. I told them I could would pay them double if they did the tree removal that afternoon. They declined my generous offer but were there that very day.

No More House Parties

Posted under window repairs on April 2nd, 2017 by

Melbourne window replacementHouse parties are so hard to clean up after, I swear. It’s like cooking a roast dinner: six hours of preparation, and then it’s gone in twenty minutes. Twenty great minutes, but even that’s offset by all the cleaning up you have to do.

Honestly, I blame Bear-Revel. I know the series is ridiculous, portraying the adventures of a man trying to set up a party planning business around the theme of bears, employing a number of actual bears, but I just felt inspired. I just HAD to go and have a massive party, inviting the entire neighbourhood. And look where it got me: a house in tatters, cups and plates and food all over the floor, the bathroom in a state I’d rather not describe and the laundry window is smashed in. How?? Why were people IN there??

One party and already I’m looking around Melbourne for aluminium window repair. You know what? Next time I’m just going to other people’s parties. I’ll save myself a load of heartbreak, maybe offer to clean up because I know how much of a pain it’ll be, but don’t expect any invites any time soon. Even a simple dinner party is off the table for now.

That smashed window, seriously…and of course, no one is owning up to the crime. I didn’t hear it happen, but it’s a clean break and there was a bottle on the other side. Did someone get startled and just fling it straight through the pane? I don’t think anyone here had any malicious intent, so it must have been some sort of bizarre accident.

Thanks a lot, Bear-Revel. I don’t care if you’re meeting up with Jessaby Bones, Spook Sage and the lady from Iron Missed in a massive team-up series where you form a Pretenders tribute band. When the Melbourne window replacement people get here, I’ve half a mind to send you the bill.

-Trayce

And Confidence is Key

Posted under Construction on February 27th, 2017 by

folding platforms stepsI read an article once that said if you’re in a situation where you don’t know what you’re doing…you should just go ahead with confidence. Confidence literally is key, so you can’t fail in whatever you’re attempting. That’s generally the philosophy I have whenever I’m starting a hobby of any kind, and it ALWAYS works. 100% verified, and you can take it from me because I’ve been involved in a lot of hobbies. I was once part of a guild of people who sought out the most bizarre hobbies, once a week, just so we’d always have a story to tell at parties (and for the fun). We did some strange things, I was often terrible at them, but with my guiding philosophy I was able to greet every new challenge.

The time when I think it came into the sharpest focus was…well, I know it was after the week of extreme chess. That’s chess where you dress up as the piece, someone directs you and you can only be removed from the board if the opposing player is able to judo flip you. No, this was the time with the aluminium work platforms. There was a veritable jungle of them set up in the CBD for a special festival, and with some strict safety guidelines, we were allowed to assemble them ourselves in a sort of speed run.

Now, we had construction workers as part of the club, so I thought I didn’t have a chance. But i’d only just learned my guiding principle of confidence, so I decided not to let my inexperience bother me in the slightest. I was captain of my team, so i organised everyone and told them to be confident alongside me. We were presented with a large pile of metal tubes that ostensibly were supposed to become a ladder platform at some point. It’s easy to panic, or just decide that it’s a bit of harmless fun in that situation, but I did not. We rallied the tea, found putting together folding platform steps to be a relatively intuitive activity and soared to victory.

There you go. Next week is ‘Ukelele Duelling’. No idea what that is. I’ll probably be brilliant at it, though.

-Gary

1 2 3 4 5 6 … 10
Copyright © Jared Diamond Books
"Keepwriting" WordPress Theme by Blog Oh! Blog