Auto Electrical, Coming Soon to Vinyl

auto mechanic BentleighI had quite the productive weekend, organising all of my music into albums. This had the added bonus of letting me know which anthologies are ready to release to the public, and which perhaps need a bit more time, and a few more pieces. There’s a really important music festival coming up, and I’m planning to borrow Davina’s car so that I can sell my albums out the back of it. But for that, I need albums!

The automotive one is totally ready to go. I spent days and days and even DAYS assembling my set of symphonic poems on the subject of automotive…things. Automotive repairs, and the replacement of tires. The album is going to be named after the best place and activity: ‘Auto Electrical, Bentleigh – The Beautiful Voice of a Mechanic.’

Ah yes…gorgeous. For you see, there’s a unique sound to auto electrical that I don’t think I would’ve realised if I hadn’t been crouched behind the mechanic’s workshop for two weeks, recording everything and going home to meditate on what I’d heard. The gentle whirr of the drill, and the crackle of the…electrical things. Honestly, I couldn’t see most of what was going on and I don’t own a car, so it was all a bit of a mystery to me. And yet, that was what made it all the sweeter. That was what produced such masterpieces as ‘NYEEERRRR, the whirring sounds of the heart’ and ‘The Ballad of the Lonely Corolla Who Just Wanted to Perform, NYING NYING, VREEEE’.

I like to think that the album as a whole tells a beautiful story, a story of many vehicles and their strivings to become whole again by visiting an car auto mechanic near Bentleigh. The songs they sing shall acho throughout time, provided people actually buy my album, which…well, they obviously will. I’m basically the only person doing what I’m doing. I’m a pioneer!

-Deirdre

No One Expects the Engine Failure!

type repair BrunswickYou never see the engine failure coming. It’s just like the Spanish Inquisition, but even more personal because it’s happening now, to me, and the Spanish Inquisition didn’t happen to me specifically.

I guess I should’ve maybe kicked the tyres every now and then so see if they were going down, which may have helped to avert the unfortunate tree crash incident. Also, who plants a tree by the side of the road? That’s just asking for trouble, in my humble opinion.

Guess I need to take better care of the next one, and that means doing the requisite work to keep the car together. Topping up the oil, kicking the tires with somewhat more frequency, and maybe I could check out a place that does the best tyre repair Brunswick residents can count on. Is tire repair a thing? It must be a thing, because I find myself in need of it. Oh, and I guess a general mechanic wouldn’t go awry. Never used one before, because I kept telling myself that mechanics were for people who had REAL problem cars. You know, like the problems you have when you wrap your car around a tree. Turns out that there’s a middle ground between ‘car working fine’ and ‘car totally written off’, and mechanics occupy that sweet spot. Ah, if only I’d known.

To be fair, neither of my parents drive, so I was never taught. My dad was in the automotive industry, but most of what he did was winding back the odometer on used cars and panel beating the dents out, so they looked newer than they were. Then he’d sell them, never having sat in them but telling people that he’d been driving it for years.

I guess you could say that was a bit dishonest. I mean, when I actually find a guy for my transmission service in the Brunswick area I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they’re out to do their jobs. Most mechanics are, so I’ve heard. That’s why they learn stuff about cars, unlike me.

Joz

A New Driveway…for the Wife

driveway rocks CranbourneWhat’s that scientific thing called when you do something yourself and it means more to you? The IKEA effect, that’s the one. Now, I’m hoping the IKEA effect is transferable, because I’ve got two days until the wife returns from her conference and *hopefully* she’s going to be welcomed back by a beautifully landscaped front garden, along with the driveway of her dreams. Assuming that she’s been dreaming of a nice driveway. Hopefully the fact that we’re joined in holy matrimony will mean that the IKEA effect will be transferred to her, and she’ll appreciate it just as much as if it were done by her own hand. Or even more, since she had nothing to do with it, and dodging work is pretty much Lira’s style.

That was snarky. Still, I have no experience laying driveways and I went and did it anyway. Had to go to Cranbourne for crushed rock, and then to Berwick to get the very specific type of pebbles I needed to make rings around the various trees we have in the front garden. Did you know that there were pebble varieties? Apparently, that is a real thing. I could’ve just gotten regular old pebbles from down the road, but that’s just what love does to you. It compels you to drive long distances so that you can get the right sort of pebbles. The great poets could’ve written entire sonnets about the hunt for pebbles and how it represents true love or something. Currently, it just represents my frustration as a realise that there’s a reason most people pay landscapers to do this kind of thing, instead of doing it themselves. If anyone wants to recommend me some really good quality building supplies in Berwick, I’d be ever so grateful. I’m going there for aggregate anyway, and the old ute is struggling with all these labours of love. It’s not the only one.

-Travis

Law is No Entertaining Matter

Melbourne property lawyersI will admit: watching the start of the latest episode of Jack of All Trades gave me a certain tightness in my throat at first. I’d already seen the ‘next time!’ segment at the end of the last episode, they promised something law-related, and that just didn’t sit well with me. Law is complex, and it’s not like you can stick an amateur in a real courtroom situation and call it good television. Too much is at stake, even with professionals at hand.

So I was pretty relieved when Lady Salt said that the task she set WASN’T that. The entire thing was a mock presentation, with the candidates taking on the role of a commercial law firm. So at least in Melbourne, commercial law firms are not being besmirched. They even had a bit of a segment where the actual law firms were shown doing their thing and being professionals, mostly to show the total contrast as these TV doofs completely mess everything up with their lack of expertise.

To be fair, the task they were given was pretty tough, even for someone with a thorough understanding of property law. A lot of paperwork, a lot of intentional errors, and some really complex documents for the sub-team to sort through. A single error in real life and you can cause some serious legal ramifications.

Of course, as dry as this all sounds, they made it entertaining for the show. The mock clients were a mixed bunch; one team were dealing with a bunch of sneaky money-grubbers, and the others had a hair-trigger temper. Basically everyone was acting, but I think those might have been real tears when Allison mixed up her building permits and got yelled at for six minutes straight.

But hey, that’s the high-pressure world of being a property lawyer. Melbourne is a hip, fast-paced city, and you have to know your stuff. I’m just glad these people aren’t dealing with property in real life.

-Drey

All Conferences, All the Time

conference venues VictoriaIs there a word for when you’re addicted to conferences? I guess not, since there’s not really a word for addictions to EVERYTHING. I mean, there are no words for people addicted to milk, or cupcakes.

But I really am addicted to attending conferences. I go to at least one a month, sometimes more if I can swing it. I love meeting new people, but also, I love not having to see those new people afterwards. It’s the perfect balance of personal and impersonal. I reject all friend requests on Visage-Tome. It’s my personal policy not to get attached to any other conference attendees.

As a result, I have a comprehensive map of all the conference venues in Victoria, and even across the rest of Australia. My expertise in the matter is so good, I could probably start charging as a consultant. I can tell you which places have drafts, which ones come with great catering (Lorne), the ones that have comfy seats in their lecture halls and those that are close to amenities for those late-night sugar cravings we tend to get while on those things.

Of course, I’m a veteran now. I always bring a secret supply of sugar; generally keeps me going. Oh, and the beds/ The beds are VERY important in a conference venue, I can tell you that. As good as I’ve gotten at sleeping in different places, sometimes my skills are put to the absolute test with the terrible, stone-consistency mattresses they make us sleep on. Fortunately, those ones are in the minority. I actually find that the function venues in Victoria are quite a bit better than those you find elsewhere. I’m about to head out to a conference in Brisbane that LOOKS lovely. I’ll have to update my rankings once I get back. Except I’m going straight to that one in Perth, and then one an hour away from here…and it’s still not enough.

-Graham

There’s Life in Those Antennas Still

TV antenna repair MelbourneThey need to keep millennials from writing opinion pieces, because most of it is tripe. Just because people are young doesn’t instantly make them wise sages, but this generation in particular seems to think that they know better than everyone.

‘The End of Politics: Why A Hereditary Monarchy is the Best Thing for Australia.’ They actually published it, and people wrote in the week after to praise the writer’s profound insight. What insight?

And this week it’s even worse. ‘Say Goodbye to the TV Generation: Why Melbourne’s TV Antennas Are Soon Going to be Viewed in Museums’. It was written by that Victoria Pierce, too. Can’t even stand the look of her face. Of course, she’s arguing that streaming has basically killed normal television, and that we’re now living in a glorious neo-era of digital, on-demand television. And of course, she seemed to think that since this was a new thing, that automatically made it wonderful and amazing.

Give me a break! The age of TV antennas and regular TV is far from over, even if there are more options now. With streaming, when are you going to have the big event? What’s going to happen when people want something to do on a Friday night and they want it to be more than just a private bit of screening? Television brings us together in a way that streaming simply cannot. Some people LIKE looking up things in a TV guide and being there for the big premier. In fact, if everyone was there for the big premier, then spoilers wouldn’t be an issue.

I should write into the newspaper and stick up for antennas in Melbourne. Or better, I’ll write an opposing piece. People LOVE newspaper drama. It’s like internet drama, except it’s in print and you can’t delete it. So it’s better in every way. Not to mention that it can be framed and hung on the wall, not that I’d do that or anything. 

-Ophelia

Stylish, Not ‘Chic’

designer lightingIs it just me, or is ‘chic’ now one of the most overused concepts in home design? Like, EVER? Not that I’m a professional home designer or anything, but I keep up with the whole thing and I read Home Beautiful every single week the day it comes out, so I at least know the trends. And I see the same thing every time: chic. Chic furniture, chic curtains. Every single reviewer of anything spouts the word ad nauseum, like it’s a magic password that’ll make people understand your point of view.

I do think the home design scene is getting a bit stale. Maybe there’s just too much chrome. I mean, at least when it comes to that new exhibition on Melbourne designer lighting trends, not everything is chrome. Seriously, you walk into a lot of lighting shops nowadays and all the high-end stuff is shiny and reflective, and thus just looks the same as everyone else’s. The whole reason I read home design mags is because I want my home to look different. I want visitors to walk into my home and be impressed by the designer lighting, not just pass over it with their eyes like it’s stock-standard.

At least there are actually people making some different stuff, like the lighting people. And yesterday in the ‘pre-loved’ section of Home Beautiful there was a sofa with these swirling patterns that looked like they’d be right at home in a 1970’s smoking lounge. Maybe retro really is the key to breaking the power of ‘chic’. Maybe no one ever comes up with anything new; they just recycle old stuff, and the retro label is what we use to make it seem cool.

Okay, now I’m wondering about the ‘retro’ standing lamp I just put in the study. Maybe once upon a time, it was chic piece of residential LED lighting, and now…things have come full circle. Or maybe I was just born too late?

-Vera

I Need Boat Experts, Fast

boat trailer repairsI’ve just got no ideas.

The gala is tomorrow, everyone who’s anyone in the shipwright industry will be coming down to Melbourne, to hear talks from some of the best specialists around. That’s what it said on the invitations, anyway…except I was supposed to be the one organising the speakers, and they’ve all been told the wrong day. Uh…whoops?

I’m so going to lose my job for this. It wouldn’t be so bad if the gala wasn’t on a Thursday night, whereas I told everyone it was Saturday. Apparently Thursday plans are just IMPOSSIBLE to cancel, more so than any other day of the week. So what am I going to do now? Give the speeches myself? I might know Melbourne’s outboard motor repair well enough just from hanging around the experts, but not enough to host AND present all by myself. I think my only option is to call in a  few favours, get some folks I know to give the talks. Experts, but…not the respected kind. There are some HUGE names in the Australian shipwright scene going to be at this thing, and they’re expecting some great innovation in the field of anchor winches and outboard motor repair. So I just have to find a few buddies of mine who work at the docks, who also happen to be free…and maybe they’ll appreciate the ordinary, everyday wisdom?

I need to get SOMEONE with a bit of industry knowledge up there to speak, or my job is going down the drain. I just need one from each category: anchor winches, outboard motor repair and boat trailer repairs. Melbourne has a thriving industry in all of them; surely there are a few who’d like to share their knowledge at a fancy gala, and get a free feed at the same time. Maybe rub shoulders with some industry giants?

Why did I even agree to organise this in the first place?

-Travis

My Private Salon Visits

hair dresserSomeone asked me at a party recently why I got into the corporate world at such a young age. I truthfully responded that there were a lot of reasons, such as the great earning prospects, getting experience early, setting up a career, all of that stuff. On top of that, I just like my job, even though it can get tough. I like going to work in a suit, working in an air-conditioned office, and I do love me some crunching numbers. I might only be 24, but I feel like I’m doing something with my life.

There was one thing I didn’t mention, though, because it’s straight up embarrassing. I need the money…for daily salon sessions. I found myself the best Melbourne hairdresser, and…well, I KNOW. Why would anyone need that, right?? You have no idea. I’ve always hated the look of myself with really short hair (like, buzz-cut style), and all the young, hip professional business-people have their $80 haircuts to make them look amazing on the train and in the office and making deals and so forth. My hair? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. Frizzy, fuzzy, fluffy, stubborn and thick. SO THICK. About one day a month I can make it look good, but when you’re working in the business world, that’s not good enough. If I don’t go into work looking like I’ve just had my hair styled by a Hollywood expert, I’ll be shunned.

And so that’s what I’ve been doing. I have a deal on the DL with a bunch of salons, they give me a similar look every day before I go into work and viola. I make sure it doesn’t look too good, because I still want people to think I did it in the mirror that morning with a comb and twenty seconds. But still, it does look good. Good enough.

No idea what would happen if my secret was ever released, and the way it is right now, I have to get up 45 minutes early every morning just to get to the salons and have my hair done. I swear I’m not that vain; my hair is just a wild stallion, and I have no choice. On the plus side, if you need a stylish Melbourne hair salon that can tame a wild mane with their incredible products and techniques, I can hook you up. Quick work, too.

-Riley

Tree spoils the family getaway

stump removal MelbourneIt was meant to be the family weekend of a lifetime. Finally, everyone was going to be together, not in a rushed fashion, but for three days. Together enjoying the fresh air and countryside, with not a worry in the world except for how hot the chicken is! Bliss. My family has all become incredibly distracted over the last few years, distant. The only time we ever see each together is at a rushed dinner that was thrown together last minute, or at some large event where we exchange words at the buffet. I had the idea a few months back to plan a country getaway for all of us to reconnect.

After months of rigorous planning I finally had everything sorted; everyone was coming, all the cottages were booked. I had even planned entertainment for the kids. At 9 am the morning before we are all supposed to depart I get a call from my eldest brother. His son, Joe, wasn’t feeling too well and they weren’t sure they could come. I pretty much scream at him that unless Joe needs to be hospitalised they were coming. I had packed medical supplies and there were comfy beds for him to sleep on. My brother relented and agreed to come. I thought all was going to plan until I got a call from my Mum.

She has an arborist coming because they needed urgent tree attention and she couldn’t possibly arrange to have her stump removal in Melbourne done at any other time. I told her that it was unacceptable. I had spent too much time and money on this trip to have her blow it off because of a hazardous stump in her garden. I hadn’t had a conclusive answer from her. So the next morning I woke up raring to go and got a call from a tree felling company based in Melbourne who wanted to know when it would be best to remove my mother’s tree stump. I told them I could would pay them double if they did the tree removal that afternoon. They declined my generous offer but were there that very day.

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