Jared Diamond Books

Today I entered a competition to see who could spin around and get dizzy the longest. I didn’t win, but it was really fun. It’s just a shame that I couldn’t keep spinning for a few seconds longer because the prize was incredible. A free car service? How could anybody say no to that?

Now I’m going to have to pay for my next log book service, like all the other chumps in the world. Meanwhile, Tommy gets to go to the local mechanic and get one for free. It sucks, especially since he just got a car service, but there’s nothing I can do about it. He won fair and square because he’s the best at getting dizzy. Far better than I could ever be.

That man can spin, I’ll tell you that. His technique is just amazing. Maybe I should get him to teach me the ways of the dizzy so that I can win the next competition. Would he agree to train me, though? What if he refused, just so that he could keep winning? Well, I suppose there’s no real harm in asking.

I really could have used the free car service now, though. I’m well overdue for one, and the auto electrical shop near Toowoomba I usually visit keeps telling me I need to get it done. They’re right, but I just don’t have the money. Well, I don’t have any money at all. I wasted it all on pancakes for all my workmates. I didn’t even get any pancakes, but it was worth it to see how happy everyone was. Still, I kind of wish I had the money for my car service now. I just really thought I could win that dizzy competition, so I went and spent the money I’d been saving for a car service. I guess I should have waited.

Maybe I can find another dizzy competition that is offering a free car service as a prize.

I had quite the productive weekend, organising all of my music into albums. This had the added bonus of letting me know which anthologies are ready to release to the public, and which perhaps need a bit more time, and a few more pieces. There’s a really important music festival coming up, and I’m planning to borrow Davina’s car so that I can sell my albums out the back of it. But for that, I need albums!

The automotive one is totally ready to go. I spent days and days and even DAYS assembling my set of symphonic poems on the subject of automotive…things. Automotive repairs, and the replacement of tires. The album is going to be named after the best place and activity: ‘Auto Electrical, Bentleigh – The Beautiful Voice of a Mechanic.’

Ah yes…gorgeous. For you see, there’s a unique sound to auto electrical that I don’t think I would’ve realised if I hadn’t been crouched behind the mechanic’s workshop for two weeks, recording everything and going home to meditate on what I’d heard. The gentle whirr of the drill, and the crackle of the…electrical things. Honestly, I couldn’t see most of what was going on and I don’t own a car, so it was all a bit of a mystery to me. And yet, that was what made it all the sweeter. That was what produced such masterpieces as ‘NYEEERRRR, the whirring sounds of the heart’ and ‘The Ballad of the Lonely Corolla Who Just Wanted to Perform, NYING NYING, VREEEE’.

I like to think that the album as a whole tells a beautiful story, a story of many vehicles and their strivings to become whole again by visiting an car auto mechanic near Bentleigh. The songs they sing shall acho throughout time, provided people actually buy my album, which…well, they obviously will. I’m basically the only person doing what I’m doing. I’m a pioneer!

-Deirdre

You never see the engine failure coming. It’s just like the Spanish Inquisition, but even more personal because it’s happening now, to me, and the Spanish Inquisition didn’t happen to me specifically.

I guess I should’ve maybe kicked the tyres every now and then so see if they were going down, which may have helped to avert the unfortunate tree crash incident. Also, who plants a tree by the side of the road? That’s just asking for trouble, in my humble opinion.

Guess I need to take better care of the next one, and that means doing the requisite work to keep the car together. Topping up the oil, kicking the tires with somewhat more frequency, and maybe I could check out a place that does the best tyre repair Brunswick residents can count on. Is tire repair a thing? It must be a thing, because I find myself in need of it. Oh, and I guess a general mechanic wouldn’t go awry. Never used one before, because I kept telling myself that mechanics were for people who had REAL problem cars. You know, like the problems you have when you wrap your car around a tree. Turns out that there’s a middle ground between ‘car working fine’ and ‘car totally written off’, and mechanics occupy that sweet spot. Ah, if only I’d known.

To be fair, neither of my parents drive, so I was never taught. My dad was in the automotive industry, but most of what he did was winding back the odometer on used cars and panel beating the dents out, so they looked newer than they were. Then he’d sell them, never having sat in them but telling people that he’d been driving it for years.

I guess you could say that was a bit dishonest. I mean, when I actually find a guy for my transmission service in the Brunswick area I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they’re out to do their jobs. Most mechanics are, so I’ve heard. That’s why they learn stuff about cars, unlike me.

–Joz