Funny how there are some old shows that you miss, and others that you don’t. I remember being obsessed with Colonel Universe for a good year or so. And I mean I was wearing t-shirts and trying to convert all my friends at school into watching it too. I was a fanatic, and then suddenly they stopped airing it and I dropped off. No more interest. It was all in the sugary-sweet buzz.
But there was also a show I loved just afterwards, Kid Cops. It was about little kids solving crimes, with all their voices dubbed over with adults. In retrospect, it was kind of creepy, but it’s what I loved, and I still kind of do. Their methods for handling evidence bags were a little bit off, though. Like, right now I’m well into cop shows, having seen many, many more that star adults and people who do research into this kind of thing, and the police bags on Kid Cops were a joke. One time, Tammy (she was the four-year-old with the blonde hair- secretly in love with Jason, five years old, dark and handsome, I guess) was at a crime scene, I think maybe in the season 2 finale. Anyway, she picked up a severed toe and put it in the bag, and then if you look at her in the background of the next conversation, she’s just…swinging it around. I don’t even think she sealed it properly, she’s just…I don’t know. There are all kinds of blatant breakings of policing rules if you look at the kids in the background. Like when Suzie was investigating a double-homicide by a crazed schizophrenic, and she just waltzes into his apartment without a warrant. What mad kid stuff! Sometimes it was the child actors, sometimes not. But I’ve been catching up now that I’m older and wiser, and some of the things they do just wouldn’t fly if it wasn’t a kids’ show. All that wasted security packaging, with a generation of kids just not knowing how it all works.
I never thought I’d be standing in the fragrance section of Myers, staring at a beauty range that gets me. I’m not into ‘self-care’, I don’t subscribe to ‘pampering’ and sometimes I’ll just go to work with no makeup. More minutes in bed, and I can just toss my hair in a ponytail. I work in a cubicle and interact with the public on the phone, so it’s only my co-workers who have to suffer. And they’re used to it- we’re all friends here!
But now, I’ve found the makeup for me, and it’s transforming my life. According to the big cut-out sign they had when the line was released, it all began with a diploma of specialist makeup offered in Brisbane. The creator emerged with bigger dreams than simply going to some movie set or backstage of a theatre: she wanted to OWN the makeup world. That was what it said, anyway…the fact that she’s now offering a niche service makes me wonder if they’re not just embellishing a bit. Anyway, she used her makeup course to create something wonderful: Wallflower, a makeup line for people who don’t want to be noticed.
Seeing this, it was like a product had finally been tailor-made for my life. I love going to parties, but HATE being the centre of attention. But there’s a weird societal expectation that you have to look really nice for a party, your best, even. So if you want to go and have people not notice you…well, there’s no middle ground. You’re either admired and accepted, or judged for not scrubbing up enough. But now, there’s Wallflower! I’ve already used it for a work function, and it was perfect. I liked what I saw in the mirror, but I was able to hang around at the punch bowl and no one bothered me unless I wanted them to. It’s like some kind of magic.
Sure, Estelle tested the products on herself and was horribly scarred, but there’s a quote from her where she says it was all worth it. Gee, I should get on one of these makeup courses. Around Melbourne…yeah, there should be a few. Now I know makeup really can transform lives!
Today is it. Today is the day. I’m (potentially) off to great places I (might be) up and away. Whether there are brains in my head is still up for debate, and majority of the time I have foot in my shoes, but I know I can steer myself in any direction I choose. And the direction is (drum roll) back to study.
I know, I know, when I dropped out of my degree (dropped out is hardly fair, the whole thing just fizzled out when it was clear I was vastly under qualified) I swore black and blue I’d never go back. Black and blue. But what can I say? I’m a fickle creature. Not to mention, in today’s day and age it’s nearly impossible to find a decent job without some qualification – which is why I’ve started to look at doing makeup courses in Melbourne.
Anyone who knows me at all knows I love my makeup. I just find the whole application process so calming, I love changing my face, my expression, my whole demeanor with the light feather touch of a brush. It’s not just that it’s relaxing (even though it most certainly is) but that it’s fun. So much fun! I can become whoever I feel like being without practically any strings attached. And, at the end of the day (or the end of the hour depending on how it turned out) I can just wipe it all away.
So, just in my spare time, I’ve started to look at what options are out there for makeup courses. Who knows, maybe nothing will come of it, but it’s fun to look at all the same. Get some ideas and start thinking about real careers in makeup and beauty, instead of just the odd jobs here and there I’ve been doing over the last few months. All I can say is: watch this space.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that when your six-year-old asks what would happen if you put bugs in a microwave, you should take the microwave and put it up somewhere they can’t reach it. Or at least I know that for next time. The smell wasn’t too bad, actually. I can see why some countries count these as delicacies.
But another thing I know is that getting your tax returns in late just isn’t worth the hassle. Again, this is something I know from experience, sadly. Our company isn’t going to win any awards for being wonderful at punctuality, although we do provide nice coffee. Thing is, our finance guy said we didn’t need tax accountants. Melbourne is full of scams, and he was totally all over this business if we all got our paperwork in on time! Unfortunately, like with the bugs and the microwave, we should’ve kept all business tax return duties away from him, lest he blow everything up and fill the office with the stench of shame and fines for not getting them in on time.
But we all had a part to play. I don’t think our inter-office communication is that great, which lead to Susan forgetting to email us all the reminder. And then there’s Tedward, who just has a habit of setting fire to things when he gets bored during the day. Stacey brings her dog into work for ‘medical’ reasons, even though it’s a pug and I don’t see how that works. And then little Cheddar goes and chews up all the cables, so we’re without internet for a good part of the afternoon. Except that Yuri the IT guy only speaks Russian, so I think he thought we wanted the lights in the office to be brighter, so further delays as we tried to tell him we wanted our internet back. Meanwhile, I was browsing on my phone for some folks who do IAS accounting around Melbourne, for next time. I hope they don’t have any dogs in the office.
We don’t normally make a big deal out of mother’s day but this year I decided to go all out. My mum has been particularly good to us this year and I wanted to make sure she knew we all appreciated it. My younger siblings are pretty bad at arranging gifts, or I should say they are terrible at spending money on anyone but themselves so I decided to take the reigns. My mum has been hinting for a while that all of her friends have been getting cosmetic procedures like dermal fillers and vaginoplasties. Whilst I wasn’t about to sponsor my mum reshaping her vagina I figured I could stretch to booking her in for an afternoon delight of lip fillers in Melbourne. There are quite a few options of looks on offer so I’ll leave it down to her to decide, it depends on the shape and fullness of lips you are after! I proposed the idea to my siblings and said if they transfer me the money I’ll make all the arrangements. They didn’t quite understand why Mum would want lip fillers mainly because they didn’t really understand what it was but I assured them she would be pleased. I figured she would go for the collagen injections, it’s very popular, it’s the strongest option so it leads to the most effective results. I know a lot of her friends opt for the same fillers and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard her talk about it. My younger brother did make a valid point that she could take it the wrong way and see it as us telling her she needs to look younger. But I’m pretty sure she’s mentioned it enough times that it won’t be so out the blue. I will even offer to go with her if she so desires.
I had never really wanted a big wedding. Even when I was young I just didn’t really get the fuss, as long as my family and closest friends were present I didn’t need a massive party. When Charles and I got engaged we decided straight away we would keep it simple. I wasn’t even entirely sure I wanted to wear a wedding dress. I literally just wanted to marry him, the whole wedding element was non essential. My dad suggested we hold the ceremony and a small party type thing at his old farm. It was a pretty beautiful setting although it did need some work. Last time I visited was to help with window repairs, Melbourne weddings tend to be held in sprawling gardens or lovely event halls, not dilapidated farmhouses. So I actually thought it was perfect! As well as the window repairs, the timber frame needed some work and there was little if any electricity running into the building! We got to work repairing it ourselves with some help for the company. My dad had originally bought the timber windows in Melbourne and has managed to track down the same company to come and do the timber window repairs. Once we get the farmhouse up to just about habitable standards we’ll leave the rest up to decoration. I wanted to cover the curved ceiling in lights and have throws dotted around on various couches and chairs. I liked the idea of it all being a little mismatched and imperfect. The opposite of a big white wedding basically! The windows should all be fixed in a couple of weeks and then it’s just a case of choosing things to fill the barn with, my dad is going to brew a special batch of beer and my mum is going to cook up a storm! Catering and venue already taken care of!
You might remember the old Japanese video game phenomenon, Poke-Him-On, the game where you were a kid running around the world forcing bad guys to free their captive mystical beasts like some kind animal-loving saint. I say ‘you might remember’ but…well the series is still going strong. Anyway, I had an idea for a game, once upon a time, that had a similar presence. Actually it was based on a really terrible one I played when I was much younger, but…basically, you’re a gardener. And you have to travel around the world, enriching lives with FLOWER POWER. Like, actual flower power. You have a flower power meter. And there are people who want to work against you and keep people inside all day and not looking at the beautiful daffodils growing outside. How terrible!
And in a world full of people playing games about shooting each other, like in that awful Summons of Obligation series and the Cogs of Conflict garbage, how about something that’s really about saving the planet? I think very few children will want to pass up the opportunity to have flower powers. That game I mentioned only had you delivering hyacinths and iceberg roses and whatever else. This person has an actual meter that measures his/her flower power, the power of flowers, the flower power, and they have to choose whether they want to use this power for good. See, giving kids the moral choice is ALWAYS a good thing to do! With the power of this amazing game, children everywhere will learn to plant more flowering bulbs and do less video gaming, which is ironic now that I think about it, but you know what they say: the weapon that the enemy of my enemy uses to shoot fire is fighting fire with my enemy, in Rome. What a timeless phrase. I shall usher in a new age of plant growth, appreciation for standard iceberg roses and the love of all living things. As soon as I find my pills. I’ve lost my pills…
You wouldn’t think I’d get abuse in my job. After all, I’m just a paper pusher. I do a freelance paper pushing, actually, which is a weird situation. Basically, I’m a really flexible temp, and people tend to hire me because I have experience in so many industries. But then, I get to see what they have to deal with as well. For example, people who do business tax returns have it the worst. So much verbal abuse when I was working there…and when I’d say that I was just a temp, it wouldn’t stop. They’d abuse me for being a temp and not being the one they wanted to talk to. See what I mean? I couldn’t win.
One time I was in Melbourne, sorting out stainless steel fabrication documents and filing systems for a few companies around the place. I was also put in charge of phone duty, and boy do those people get some unwarranted abuse! Some lady rang up because she’d been on a cruise and the bow rails hadn’t been polished. Nothing I can do about that, and from the sounds of things, it was a miracle that she got off the boat at all. Then she wanted me to change the documents on the sly and give her a discount, even though I didn’t even work for the company and no one would ever hire me again. Unlikely!
And then in the same week, on my last day, there was the guy who said that he used to be a demolitions expert who threatened to knock the place down if he didn’t get a bulk discount on fishing rod holders. Quite how he went from knocking down buildings to apparently dealing out rod holders to all of his friends (he can’t have been selling them) I don’t know. Apparently, fishing rod holders are serious business to some.
All I can say is that we should show a bit of leniency when dealing with people who do temporary paperwork. They take a lot of flak. And tax return folks? They all deserve a hug.
Today I learned that a baby swan is called a ‘signet’, which sounds like something much cooler but…ah well. I’m learning so much in my life course, and now I’m wondering why everyone doesn’t just do one of these. Mine was set up by a local community teacher who noticed that kids in his class AND parents couldn’t do basic things like change a plug or point to Canberra on a map. So he set up a ‘life course’ that teaches you all the things you SHOULD know, but for some reason were never taught to you. Great, huh?
I’m looking forward to the segment on appliance repair. This teacher used to do Whirlpool repairs in Sydney, and we all know that Whirlpool is the most dangerous and complicated brand to work with, so he should be an absolute expert in the field. A true genius of making sure your coffee maker is ticking over correctly. A wizard in the art of properly cleaning the inside of your toasted sandwich maker, so that your next cheese toastie isn’t coated in old bacteria. Such things that I’ve missed! Were it not for this fellow, I wouldn’t even have known that Townsville was an actual place. I’ve always just thought it’s an expression for somewhere that you can never reach because it’s out in the bush. Like, ‘all the way to Townsville and back’ to describe a long journey. I owe an apology to the good and real people of Townsville.
We have to wait a few weeks before we’re doing oven repairs, though. Those are a bit advanced, and right now we’re still on a class on what to do if we find injured wildlife, or if we actually injure the wildlife while driving. Funny, you’d think living in Australia we’d be great at this sort of thing. But anyway…I’ll learn from this Sydney bosch repairs master. And then, I’ll do repairs of my own one day. Without help!
My girlfriend is amazing. Somehow, she manages to love me for exactly who I was and put up with my overbearing and intrusive mother. You see, my mother is a very difficult woman to deal with, especially if she thinking you are beneath her. That basically covers everyone in my life. She managed to provide a very wealthy upbringing, but it was very lonely at the same time. I would have much rathered parental interaction when I was a child, than a trust fund and a credit card. I had been living with my girlfriend for just on two years, so she knew what to expect when I told her my mother and father were coming to stay. It was almost like my girlfriend morphed into mother-in-law mode immediately, grabbing the phone and calling the carpet cleaners. My mother is not only obnoxious, she is a complete clean freak and doesn’t feel embarrassed telling people their houses aren’t clean enough for her standards. She can be incredibly rude, but she is my mother and I care for her no matter what. Each time my parents came to visit we went through the same routine. We phoned the professional carpet steam cleaners, Melbourne gets dusty in the dry season. My girlfriend likes to hire the best of the best to impress my mother. We were very nervous this time around because we’d never had upholstery cleaning before. The steam cleaners that we had been going with had never slack off and always put effort into their cleaning. Apparently my girlfriend had heard of the best tile and grout cleaners Melbourne has to offer from her sister. Since they came so highly recommended around town so she gave them a call. When my girlfriend hung up the phone to the carpet steam cleaning company in Melbourne, we were both very excited, but a little nervous. Excited to show off our incredibly clean house to my mother, and nervous that it still wouldn’t be clean enough for her crazy standards.