I don’t know exactly what a conveyancer is, but I assume it’s some kind of dark sorcerer powered by demons. According to Murphy, the conveyancers are going to come to this house and ‘transform it’ into something else entirely. I don’t know how they’d manage that without sorcery. We’ll need to perform ancient rituals to banish them, and quickly, otherwise, it will be too late. Ironic, I know, that I want to remove the demon magic from this house when I died because people thought that I had demon magic in me. Put on a pyre I was. Not fun, but at least I know I’m free of demons now.
Murphy says that these people are masters of conveyancing near Carnegie, and I don’t know what that means, but presumably, they are quite powerful. They are going to magically give this house to someone else so that they can turn it into a hotel. You must need powerful magic to turn a house into a hotel all of a sudden. I don’t like this. Not one bit.
Julius is telling me that I’m overreacting, but I think I’m underreacting. I think everyone here is underreacting. These conveyancers can’t just come here and use their foul magic on this house. I’ve lived here for six hundred years, and I refuse to have this place besmirched by witchcraft. So I’ll keep talking about how terrible this is and make Julius type the words into the glowing box, which he assures me is not magic. I think he’s lying, though.
As if conveyancers from Carnegie wasn’t bad enough, apparently they also practice conveyancing close to Highett. I don’t know who Highett is, but it’s clear that these sorcerers are powerful beyond imagination. How are we possibly supposed to stop them? Maybe we should contact some other magical conveyancers and get them to fight the other ones. Can we start a conveyancing war of some sorts? Have sorcerers fight against one another, distracting them from their mission here? It’s a crazy plan, but it’s so crazy that it just might work.
I thought I had an awesome idea for a book the other day, but unfortunately, it was not to be. I feel like this happens to me all the time. I come up with this great idea, something so awesome that it would probably win an award for being the best novel of all time, but then I discover that somebody else has already written it. It’s so frustrating! Why can’t I just come up with something original?
You wouldn’t think that somebody has already written a book about the dangerous life of working in property conveyancing, but they totally have. It was basically going to be a spy mystery combined with an action thriller, slice of life and graphic horror. I’m not even sure if that last one is a real genre, but I was going to do it anyway.
Naturally, when I told my friend, who works in publishing, about it and she said that somebody had already written that book, I didn’t believe her. But then I read this book and it’s exactly what I was planning. It didn’t win any awards or anything (I could have done it better), but that essentially means I can’t write it now. Everybody would just say I had copied, and you don’t win prestigious awards for copying. Curse you, whoever wrote Conveyancing Around Brighton is Dangerous as Heck!
And yes, I’m aware that people say there are only seven different types of stories. There’s robot vs man, man vs cat, cat vs robot, wizard vs other wizard, stories of princes and princesses, and shampoo commercials. Obviously, mine was going to be robot vs man, with a metaphorical robot. For example, the Space Battles movies are wizard vs other wizard stories. The Harold Scarface movies are also wizard vs other wizard stories, and therefore they are basically the same story.
It’s frustrating that my idea was taken, but I suppose it’s back to the drawing board.
I think I’m finally going to write my second novel. It will be called the Saltwood Chronicles Book Two, following the life of a grizzled New Orleans detective who moves to Australia to get away from it all. After his break-up with Jess Day-Knight, Julian Saltwood is running from his past faster than his health insurance company could find a way to void the claim he made when he broke his arm two years ago. But just because he’s running from his past, that doesn’t mean he’s going to embrace his future. On the contrary, he’s avoiding that too, which is why he’s moving to Australia!
But the evil Schmidt gives chase, intending to get revenge for his diabolical plan being ruined by the genius that is Julian Saltwood. For a while, Julian is unaware that his arch-enemy has followed him to Australia, and he takes solace in portable hyperbaric chambers around Melbourne. Although Julian was sceptical about the effectiveness of hyperbaric medicine, he quickly finds it to be of great comfort. Julian tests different hyperbaric chambers all across Melbourne, becoming a hyperbaric connoisseur. Hyperbaric chambers help Julian forget his past and stop worrying about the future. It’s just a shame that the future is coming right for him, whether he likes it or not.
Julian Saltwood is in the middle of a hyperbaric medicine session when Schmidt attacks, his henchmen overwhelming the hyperbaric clinic. Julian escapes, but once again Schmidt has taken away everything he loves. Well, now Julian is back in the game, intending to get his revenge again. And this time, it’s personal.
Little does Julian know, to defeat the horrible, evil and wicked Schmidt, he will have to go all the way back to New Orleans and repair his relationship with Jess Day-Knight. Because he’s going to need her help if he’s going to defeat this villain once and for all. It turns out that nothing can keep these two apart.